STONEWALL JACKSON - ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE 'N' WAR (1966)

Don't be afraid of this Confederate-loving country boy - he's 'armless! 

No, seriously, wtf happened to his arm?

N.B. This LP is one of those rare cases where the later pressing with added band-aid and smooch overlay is infinitely more collectible than the original pressing. And by that I mean it'll set you back $1 instead of 50 cents. 

BOOOORING!!

DA BRAT - UNRESTRICTED (2000)

Catch me shower-stylin' in my self-suit...

RIOT - ROCK CITY (1977)

Nothing says "heavy metal" like a purple humanoid seal caressing a battle-axe in front of a dead yellow Martian skinhead flashing some sideboob and an artfully awfully airbrushed burning metropolis that looks more like fungal growth. This cover is so bad it's good again.

BOBBY LYLE - THE POWER OF TOUCH (1997)

Did someone tell Bobby Lyle to "do the Stevie Wonder thing" in order to sell some records? You do realize that guy is actually blind? Also, pretty sure that chord sounds like shit.

EXCITER - VIOLENCE & FORCE (1984)

Racist sewage from Canada's leading bullshit-exporters, the un-exciting Exciter.

Just look at these guys:

Well, I mean, there was no way they were getting on the cover. But now we all know you're bigots as well as fugly creeps.

MINNIE RIPERTON - PERFECT ANGEL (1974)

This cover is awful. And you know the worst thing about it? It's not the blatant eroticization of childhood imagery (shout out to Katy Perry - how is shit like this ok??), nor the condescending portrayal of a grown woman in said role (the "perfect angel" = innocent maiden under your male chauvinist control). It's the fact that it makes me feel like a fucking parent. It makes me want to shout at my sticky mess of a kid while dabbing ineffectually at their ice-cream-greased paws with the one napkin I happened to have in my back pocket. It makes me wish I had packed wet wipes.

REO SPEEDWAGON - YOU CAN TUNE A PIANO BUT YOU CAN'T TUNA FISH (1978)

You can't think of anything better, but you can stick a tuning fork in a dead fish.